Take a half hour and share a seemingly endless string of music videos from YouTube, making my feed even more mind-numbing and pointless by simultaneously showcasing your preference for terrible music and hogging visual space with the video’s preview square.

Take a picture of a plate of food because I want to see it. This is a great way to gain culture points, whether the picture showcases a luxurious presentation of poached baby salmon embryos with goat chutney or a grainy upload of a sub-par brunch on an Art Deco plate.

Please take a picture of your glass of beer and let everyone know of its rarity relative to your geographic area. Try to capture the bartender in the background. Proclaiming your devotion to Moerlein’s Horsefoot Pumpkin Bucket Lager via social media is a great way to let people know that your mouth always smells like shit.

MORE VIDEOS OF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS DANCING!

Ridicule and berate your baby’s daddy or your mom or your ex-best friend in an incoherent paragraph of typed puke. Capitalize letters randomly and punctuate according to your own rules. Make me work to figure out what you are trying to say! Use bad words. Consider focusing your energy on strengthening these strained relationships.

Entitle an album “Randoms” and fill it only with pictures of you, taken by you. Be sure to include a lame border on two thirds of them, and coloring variations on the rest.

Can we go much further with the baby updates? Do we just skip sharing pictures of freshly bombed diapers and go ahead and post video of the actual tub birth?