When my brother and his wife asked me to join them on an excursion to the outlet mall today, I thought it seemed like an OK idea...I had just finished some work and school stuff on a Saturday, and wanted to decompress. I banked on getting some flannel and calling it a day.

I wish I would have realized that it was 1 pm on a Saturday, when every whistledick from the midwest climbs out of the retention pond of sweat forming on their couch and heads to the mall. Getting into the mall parking lot wasn't too bad, except that 97% of the spots were filled. At this point, I should have gone straight home and done something with my life.

Instead, I went into "Polo by Ralph Lauren" which should be called "Evacuate Your Bank Account on Mr. Embroidered Dipshit Riding a Horse". I made a quick lap around the place, got some menacing stares from some white collar men, looked at a few tags, vomited, and punched a cashier in the face. Never will I waste my time in that store again.

Next, I walked into J. Crew where I constantly wondered whether or not I was looking at clothes for a man or clothes for a woman. I actually picked out a shirt, pretending I knew the gender it was aimed towards, but stood in line for about 2 minutes before I noticed the empty stare of the cashiers at both stations. I think they must have been trying to figure out why I was buying a women's sweater. I just got uncomfortable and lost confidence, so I set it down by the ties, set a rack of seemingly unisex sweaters on fire and bolted.

I walked into Banana Republic, because I thought I could get some healthy snacks there, and immediately saw 30 people standing in line with heaps of pleated slacks and trendy watchamacallits of all sorts. There were two high school girls scrambling behind the counter, trying to please everyone. If there's something I hate with the fire of a thousand suns, it's standing in a line that isn't moving. I walked out of Banana Bullshit before the door had a chance to shut behind me.

I made the rounds in and out of 6 stores in about 20 minutes, coming away with a $5 hat from "Lids". When my brother and his wife got there, we made the rounds back past "Lids" and the same helmet that sold me my hat said that "If a hat is marked $5, it's actually $3.75!" As I'm staring him down with the hat on that I bought off of him 30 minutes prior (for $5.33), I jumped off Scott's back and hung on the "Lids" sign until it fell, shattering on the ground beneath. I replaced it with a cardboard banner I made that said "HELLHOLE OF DECEIT."

I saw a guy with a chinstrap beard, except it was on his head. I walked through a 2 mile labyrinth from the food court to the bathroom. I saw enough Ohio State gear to make me want to get my foot lodged in the garbage disposal...but I feel that way after seeing ONE item of scarlet and gray.

I sat in a line of traffic amongst the other pathetic mallgoers, and when I was almost home, I sat at a light next to a mother in her late 20s, with a 5 year old boy in the backseat. He looked like he had never seen the sun, and it was probably true, judging by the mountain of junky shit filling up the back of her stationwagon. I think there was an antique baby stroller strapped to the roof. I didn't know whether to rescue the kid or direct them towards Trader's World, where they wouldn't hurt anybody. I decided to do neither, because what I saw next blew me away. She had half of her finger in her nose, mining for 10-15 seconds. She pulled out something so big that I could actually see it on her fingernail FROM MY CAR. It was a glorious aqueous white mass, ready to be smeared on the floormat or ashtray. Turns out, she ate it. Ate the booger. I yelled to myself in disbelief, as this really really bothered me, and as the light turned green, she began to chisel away at the other nostril.

Each day, how much more hopeless does the human race get? The mall, especially when coupled with road weary boogermongers, makes me want to jump out of a blimp onto a large metal spike.
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ROUGHLY THE LENGTH OF THE LINE OUTSIDE OF THE "COACH" STORE, WHERE I'M SURE SHOPPERS WERE GETTING INSANE BARGAINS, SUCH AS $800 COIN PURSES FOR 25% OFF.

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