I'm getting married very, very soon, and in honor of that momentous day, I'd like to give a brief presentation on what I will be giving my soon-to-be wife come game time. No, not that...that's not bloggable. I'm talking about my last name. It's from Germanic origin (no shit?) and it means "wealthy." No shit. Let's have a quick run down of the famous Ottos she'll be joining:

Merle "Bud" Otto - My grandfather, although deceased, will be eternally known for coining many of the world's most deep and meaningful phrases, and inspiring great philosophers of the future. Some of these phrases include, "I think I'd rather stay home and pick fly shit out of pepper" or a completely viable alternative, "I think I'd rather stack BBs." He also taught me the fine art of walking horseflies, which involved catching them in a plastic Bud Light cup and tying a string around their asses, and BAM! NEW PET.

Otto von Bismarck - Prime Minister of Prussia from 1862-1890. Since nobody knows what Prussia is, let's just say he designed the German Empire. Basically, he figured out how to talk in a way that made you sound violently angry all the time. He most likely wore those pointy helmets. He looked a lot like the LOLcat intended to be Wilford Brimley. You know, the one with the caption "Diabeetus." Although a bit of a crazy person, there is no denying that he was a fearless badass, just like me.

Some company that I wish was mine - http://www.ottoexcellence.com/

Otto of Greece - not to be confused with Otto of Grease, which is my dog (also named Otto) after rolling in a possum carcass.

Otto Frank - Anne Frank's dad....top that.

Otto I, Otto II, and Otto III - Roman Emperors. Thanks.

Otto - a dachsund terrier mix who lived to the ripe age of darn near 21, or 147 in people years. Not my dog, but there's a 100% chance that my dog Otto will live to be at least 62 (434). He's been hit by a truck, and had his ass handed to him on several occasions, but he keeps on going.

I love my name.