BRAD OTTO – CONTRACT RIDER
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for allowing me to play at your venue. I promise that it will be a memorable show, and I only ask that you adhere to a few basic requests, which in my case, are necessities for a perfect show, and more importantly…a happy life. 

LODGING: For one week prior to and one week after the show date, I would like to be lodged in a third floor bedroom in a house owned by a couple who have been married at least 60 years. Ideally, they would have Minnesota accents and would generally make me uncomfortable with their conversation topics (boils, goiters, cat breeding, male enhancement devices, etc.). The room I am in should be between 50 and 100 square feet, be equipped with lemon flavored shag carpeting and/or teak wood parquet in 9¼” x 9¼” squares. I want all the walls painted black, and all the trim and crown molding painted something darker than black. In the room, I want a metal folding chair covered completely by an alternating pattern of rhinestones and dragonfly wings. Other than that, all that should be in the room is a golden pot, in which I will poop.

BREAKFAST: On the day before the show, at 6:35 am, I will require the following items to make sure that the most important meal of the day is of adequate quality and also to ensure the survival of everyone involved with bringing my show to your town:
(1)       steamed falcon or similar bird of prey, do not de-feather!

(1)                 kangaroo tail, tossed in sausage gravy

(12)              scrambled eggs, preferably from a cobra or pit viper

(24)              12 oz. cans of Natural Light beer

(1)                 carton of  “Virginia Slims” cigarettes

(7)                 large bags of Mike-Sells “Puffcorn Delites”

(5)                 refrigerator boxes filled with cream cheese

(5)                 gallons of piranha salad

(1)                 teaspoon of tap water 

IMPORTANT: These items are required at breakfast the day before the show. On show day, I will be unconscious until 10 minutes before start time, and will require no attention of any kind. 

LUNCH: At exactly 12:00 noon every day, I need a U-Haul full of McGangBangs delivered to me and my crew. In case you’re stupid, a McGangBang is an entire McDonald’s McChicken sandwich wedged between the patties of a McDonald’s double cheeseburger. My crew consists of a bunch of people.  I will also need pop.

DINNER: I’m flexible, but I like to fall asleep immediately after swallowing the last bite, so a NyQuil laced crab cake and a quick, powerful blow to the head is usually provided, silently, by a tall man with a shady disposition and a natural willingness to hurt others. 

TRANSPORTATION: I require an Abrams M1 tank for myself, with a miniature seasoned wizard in swaddling cosmic patterned clothes as a chauffeur. Additionally, each of my crew members will be provided with their own rickshaw. The rickshaws must be pulled by tiny armies of rabbits wearing monocles and top hats (350 rabbits per rickshaw). My cavalcade must be led into and out of the venue in this manner:

                1st – Two red-assed baboons with shotguns

                2nd - Me 

DRESSING ROOM: The dressing room will be a 10,000 square foot geodesic dome constructed of Kevlar, titanium, and those little brass fasteners that are on manila envelopes. If any other materials are used, the facility will be immediately burned to the ground and you will find me laughing hysterically amidst the roaring flames. Inside the facility, I will need travertine floors throughout and large panes of glass placed at random locations with plenty of throwable objects nearby. I need a wax sculpture of Dolph Lundgren as Ivan Drago from Rocky IV that stretches from floor to ceiling. There has to be a mariachi band following me around every second I am in the dressing room, continuously playing the Mexican Hat Dance. Other items to be placed in a urinal trough and hung by a yellow tow rope in the exact geometric center of the dressing room are listed below:

-          Oversized inflatable sledge hammer

-          Llama

-          Bowflex

-          Oil painting of a scantily clad Anthony Michael Hall riding Falcor from         Neverending Story 

DURING THE SHOW: Shut up. No sounds from anyone or anything other than myself will be permitted. 

In conclusion, I would like to thank you for allowing me to come to your city. I look forward to the day where we can all sit around a fondue pot and scream obscenities at each other.
Add Comment