Balloons. 10/20/2009
 
When I first heard about Balloon Boy, I thought that some kid with an incredibly vivid and literal imagination had just seen the movie UP and decided that he wanted to go have some adventures at Paradise Falls with Kevin, Dug, Russell, and Carl. I can’t say I blame him. That movie is phenomenal. Over the next few hours, I went from hoping and praying that he would miraculously land without being harmed to hearing that the balloon landed safely, but with no sign of the boy. I was worried sick! Then I heard that the parents had been featured on the reality show Wife Swap. My worry instantly vanished and I would have bet the farm that this thing was a scam.

BALLOON BOY SAGA – THE FACTS

Your balloon sucks. It looks like a jiffy pop deal hunched a chef’s hat, and the offspring came out really ugly and stupid. It’s impressive that you got a bunch of aluminum foil and particle board up in the air at all, but I think the Amateur Douchebag Balloon Guild should ban you from all future gatherings.

You’re supposedly an amateur scientist. That’s like saying I’m an amateur veterinarian because I once rescued a baby bird and spit chewed up Ritz crackers into its beak. Or that I'm an amateur hunter because I once killed a dinosaur with a slingshot. Not many people can provide for their families by getting up at 10, building an ugly piece of shit, launching it, and urinating in America’s face. Because of your chosen “career”, it doesn’t surprise me that you selfishly and irresponsibly wasted our resources, defense, money, and time. Your wife must have a big income…what? She’s a stay at home mom? I guess PDFs of your balloon assembly plans must be going like hotcakes on eBay, and the Wife Swap DVD box sets are selling out.

This poor kid’s name is Falcon. I think it’s a pretty awesome name myself, but it’s very recognizable, and now he’s stuck with this mess for his entire life. I'd like to hear an audio recording of you convincing him to be a con artist.

Daddy, can I go to Red Tailed Hawk's house and play?
No, Falcon...you have to help Daddy ruin both our lives with his dumbass balloon.

 If Falcon ends up one of those weird old guys with shifty eyes living in a trailer with “FALCON’S NEST” scrawled in bird poop on the front step, 130 cats in the house and a school bus full of clown costumes and toenail clippings, it’s your fault.
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